Random Speculations and Observations

So what, precisely, is the point here?
Well, this is where I plan on sharing my views on Life, the Universe, and Everything.
Oh, that's original.
Yeah, well, what do you want? There aren't any original ideas left. The best we can hope for nowadays is an amalgam of varied ideas from enough different places that the result is unrecognizable. A mixture of concepts and insights so homogeneous that the original sources cannot be distinguished. A pastiche of...
Hold up. That's one of them, isn't it?
...dissimilar and sometimes conflict... What?
One of those Observations and/or Speculations. Is that what you plan on subjecting these people to?
Well, yeah. I suppose so. Maybe... Hey! It's my page. I'll write whatever I want!
That's pretty self indulgent, isn't it?
Well, yeah, it is. But then, every personal webpage out there is, to some degree.
Point. So what's with the name?
Well, I was going to call it Ruminations and Ponderances, but that was already taken by a daily mailing list I used to subscribe to, from the folks at Topfive.com. So, in the grand tradition of original thought, I dug out my thesaurus. And the rest is 'Net history.
Cool.
Right. So, every so often, I'll add something or other to the list below. Some will be long, some short. Some amusing, some thought provoking, and some neither. (And we won't comment on the ratios for those.) I don't plan on this being a virtuoso performance of HTML authoring savvy. Just a way to let me get stuff out of my system, and share these things with people without burdening folks with them in person. (Where they can shut you up.) So, without further ado, here they are, in chronological order. Try not to sprain something jumping for joy.
Or frantically clicking for your Back button.

• I've always wondered about that old movie mainstay, the one where the tragic character professes his love by stating what he would give to have his or her deceased significant other back for some indeterminate amount of time. "I would give everything I have/my left kidney/my pet gerbil Herman for just one more day/hour/picosecond with him/her/it." Did you ever think just what a crappy day that would be? No pressure or anything. The tragic hero does find a way to give up what he holds most dear, in trade for some short time with his loved one. She comes back. The clock starts ticking. I can't think of too many social situations that are all that enjoyable or fulfilling when you are up against the clock, and you know it will be the... last... time. Add to that the loss of whatever he traded away for this one last interval of exceedingly painful goodbye. Doesn't sound like a recipe for a great time to me. But then, that's probably why I don't write drama. [3/12/99].
• It should be grounds for summary execution for DJs to play car horns, sirens, or squealing brakes on the radio. If the FCC enforcement arm cannot do it, I will volunteer. [3/12/99]
• I have found that the best way to assure you will get nothing but green lights is to try to read a roadmap. Or have a woman trying to put on mascara in the seat next to you. [3/12/99]
• There are few things more comically pathetic than a running fat man. Except perhaps a dancing fat man. Just something I noticed in a reflection the other day. [3/30/99]
• I am troubled by the recent trend in food commercials. Take the M&M's commercials, for example. Let's portray the candies as cute little animated figures. Now, add some celebrity gloating about how he or she is going to eat them, while the little guys gulp and try to talk their way out of it. Mmm-BOY! Makes me wanna go out and scarf down some M&M's! I find it sad that we have become so inured to violence and cruelty in this world that a little display like that is used to encourage viewers to go out and buy a snack. And, sadly, it seems to work. [3/30/99]
• Of course, I've seen this advertising method before. It seems to be particularly common with mouse traps. They almost always seem to portray a cute, furry little mouse. The kind of mouse you'd happily buy to put in an aquarium with a little wire wheel. Some of the more expensive ones even show real pictures, like some kind of grim FBI wanted poster. This is a device designed to kill mice, people! The other day I did see one showing a mouse I would probably want to kill, or at least punt out the front door. It had a cartoon drawing of a mangy rodent, standing in classic Dracula-esque clawed hand posture, with saliva dripping from it's fangs. Some day, if I ever get more money than sense (and no comments from the Peanut Gallery), I am going to buy 50 of the cutely packaged traps and 50 of the menacingly packaged traps, and talk a store manager into stocking a store shelf with them, side-by-side. It might be an interesting barometer for measuring man's current sad state to see which sells out first. [3/30/99]
• Few things are more disheartening than seeing the results of a late night session spent trying to be profound. Take profundity where you can find it. Steal it from bumper stickers. And I wonder where this one came from? [3/31/99]
• I realize posting the words of my evil inner voice is a crutch. Let's me voice the worst criticisms ahead of time, thus robbing potential naysayers of ammunition. I've used that defense, in one form or another, most of my life. Desparate cry for attention? Perhaps. But, don't worry, my real adversarial inner voice is a bit more constructive. And a lot more abusive. But this form of preemptive defense is more fun, and doubles as a writing style that draws the reader in, through that guilty little part of all of us that enjoys eavesdropping on private conversations. Yeah, that sounds plausible. Go with that. Doesn't sound nearly so cutesy and pathetic explained that way. Anyway, as crutches go, this one's not too bad. I could be doing this drunk. Gee, thanks. [3/31/99] And, hey, if it makes you feel better, you can pretend it's actually the telepathic voice of Bob the Psychic Goldfish. [1/15/02]
• The name of almost every object sounds cooler with the phrase "...of DEATH!" tacked on the end. This works especially well with office supplies. [5/19/99] And, hey! This made it as a real Rumination on January 20, 2000. Wow. Now you're famous.
• Have you ever made a really good sandwich? You know, piled high with ham, salami, turkey, roast beef, provolone, swiss, lettuce, tomatoes, and just the right amount of Miracle Whip. Then, you put the final slice of bread on top, pick it up for that blissful first bite... And you notice that huge grey-green splotch of mold on the bread. My life's like that most of the time. [6/13/99]
• Actually, I think my life is more like noticing the splotch of mold after taking that first bite. [6/14/99]
• I still think the ultimate weapon for use against a Jedi Knight is a shotgun. "Okay, Obi Wan, try blocking two barrels of double-ought buckshot!" But, then, that's probably why I'd make a lousy Jedi. [6/25/99]
• And, for similar reasons, I'd make a lousy Highlander-type immortal. To heck with all this sword fighting crap. Gimme a good semi-auto. You can get a license to carry one of those. "Gee, thanks for bringing your sword! That'll make it easier for me to finish up. BANG!" I'm sure there's some fine point of honor I'm missing here, but, hey, this is life and death! But I'm sure you'd feel real bad about it later. Right after the victory dance... [6/25/99]
• There is unexpected beauty hidden everywhere in this world. One just has to be open to seeing it. Remember that the next time you sneeze on your monitor. [6/25/99] This one made the Ruminations on October 16, 2000.
• I sometimes think that everyone should be allowed one discretionary homicide every decade or so. I mean, you should be able to take one guy who richly deserved it, and murder him in the most horrific manner imaginable. Then, you could just tell the police, "It's okay, officer, that was my legally mandated freebie." You have to admit, people would probably think twice when they were acting like utter dinks. But then, I remember that I would probably be dead the day after the law was passed. So maybe it's not such a good idea after all. [6/25/99]
• My thermodynamics and heat transfer professor once said that every great mechanical engineer should have a constant named after him. His was the Chapman Number, which is the ratio of the diameter of a circle to it's radius, It's always two. You'd be surprised how many people forget that constant in simple mathematics. Especially on thermo exams. [6/25/99]
• Have you ever seen an actually good movie whose reviews compared it favorably to another movie? I haven't. In fact, I think that probably is a pretty good way to tell if a video is lousy in advance. I seem to be the only one who has seen this trend, at least of the people I've asked, though. So I've never actually used this as a selection criterion. And It's hard to test this one unless you actually watch the movie. Catch-22. Of course, it might occur to some people that they are released direct-to-video for a reason. [7/9/99]
• I think I'm going to have to somehow get a scar on my right eyebrow. Then I can become a teen heart-throb actor, too. As far as I can tell, that's the only requirement. Acting ability sure doesn't seem to be a prerequisite. [7/9/99]
• There is no good reason to use verbal shortcuts when saying a webpage URL. Specifically, I'm talking about saying the "WWW" bit of an address as anything other than "double-you double-you double-you," in a vain attempt to save a few syllables or simply sound cool. It's pointless and exclusive of those who are not as web-savvy as the speaker. I've heard people pronounce it as:
  • "Triple-double"
  • "Double-you cubed"
  • and even "Wuh-wuh-wuh," which is particularly silly.
  And it really doesn't help anyone. If the listener doesn't understand that web addresses normally start with WWW, you'll just have to go back and spell it out again, costing you even more of the oh-so-valuable seconds you tried to save to begin with. And if the listener does know the basics of URL address formatting, he'll think you're either an idiot or a poseur. In the majority of cases, even mentioning the WWW prefix at all is a formality. If you're going to bother following needless convention, why would you bother to abbreviate it? Of course, I suppose you have to allow for some compression in colloquial speech. I know I'm guilty of saying "dubyah-dubyah-dubyah" from time to time, but that's more a concession to my Texas accent than any thoughts towards saving a couple of syllables. I suppose I should be happy we've managed to break people of reading out "H-T-T-P-colon-slash-slash..." when relaying a web address. Small favors. [6/13/00]
• Is it possible to call someone a "poseur" without being a hypocrite? It seems to be one of those words designed solely to make the speaker sound more sophisticated, at least to his own ear. You cannot accuse someone of being "supercilious" without sounding so yourself. There's probably more examples. I'm sure there's a lesson to be learned in there somewhere. Maybe it's just a call for simplicity in speech. Pardon, let me rephrase. Just use shorter words, and you won't look like a dink. [6/13/00]
• It should be a prerequisite for phone service that all members of the household be able to recognize and understand the phrase "You have the wrong number," in the predominant language of the area. Or, alternately, a new international phrase could be adopted. I personally favor "You-o have-o the wrong-o number-o." But I can be flexible on the point. [7/25/00]
• I firmly believe that, in order to be considered clever on the Internet, one only needs a few hours and a solid mastery of the backspace key. This is, of course, completely wrong. But it's the kind of hubris required to run a personal webpage with no useful content. Take that as a hint for you aspiring young webpage authors out there. [12/17/01]