What's in Nathan's Pockets

Or,

Why I Hate Going to the Airport.

Everyone has their little idiosyncracies. Some people crack their knuckles, or whistle incessantly, or "knock on wood." Me? I'm a packrat. I carry mass quantities of junk with me wherever I go. I admit it. Sometimes, it can be a bit of a nuisance. I tend to sound like morning shift at the junkyard when I run. I've heard variations of "Is that a _____ in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?" more times than I can count. And I've gained a deep and abiding hatred for metal detectors. But, it's worth the trouble, if for no other reason than to see the look of awed shock on people's faces when I produce just the right tool for the job, seemingly from nowhere. At least, I'm pretty sure it's awed shock. It's hard to tell, sometimes. So, without further ado, here it is!

Right Front Pocket:

• Assorted pocket change.
• Key case, black leather, containing:
  • Assorted keys (car door, house, office, network closet, mailbox)
  • Small folding pair of pliers, Swiss-Tech brand. Also has a Phillips and flathead screwdrivers and a wire cutter.
  • A Minimaster multi-function pocket knife, by Kutmaster (USA patent pending). Dimensions are 2.375"x0.625"x0.375". Located on keyring. Contains several tools, including:
    • Rulers, enlish and metric.
    • Box end wrenches, 3/8", 11/32", and 5/16".
    • Bottle opender.
    • Knife blade, reasonably sharp so far.
    • File.
    • Scissors, spring loaded Swiss Army type.
    • Screwdrivers, two flathead, one modified Phillips.
    • Tweezers, actually made as a fold-out blade, not like Swiss Army Knife separate type.
  • Swiss-Tech Utili-Key. Kind of odd looking folding knife/tool, shaped vaguely like a long, skinny key. Composed of two crossed, scissor hinged blades. Contains a knife blade, mini-saw, "cap-lifter", small and very-small flathead screwdriver blades, and a well implemented Phillips screwdriver. (I seem to have a weakness for these kinds of things...)
  • Finger nail clippers (they're not just for fingernails anymore).
  • A small clear vinyl envelope containing a few large paperclips and safety pins.
  • A few plastic cable ties.
  • A small Listerine PocketPaks box, filled with safety pins.
  • A small Listerine PocketPaks box, filled with small paperclips.
  • An 20 dollar bill, for emergencies.
  • A tiny silver cross inscribed with "The Lord is my Shepherd," in a protective fabric bag.
• A key ring with:
  • A house key.
  • A car key.
  • A key to a padlock somewhere.
  • Two Photon Microlights, one red, one white. These are small key-chain sized LED flashlights, powered by lithium button-cell batteries. Kind of expensive for a penlight, but much smaller and lighter.
  • A car alarm remote.
  • A few extra key rings.
  • A grey entry level Victornox Swiss Army Knife. Has a blade, file with flathead screwdriver, scissors, tweezers, and toothpick.

Left Front Pocket:

• Handkerchief, white.
• Ace (tm) rubber comb, fine.
• Tape measure, Stanley, 6 feet long.
• Leatherman Mini-Tool (tm). Needle-nose pliers, bottle and can openers, knife (also of two-by-four grade, refuses to hold an edge), file (combination coarse and fine grade), flathead screwdriver, ruler. Also doubles as a rubber band gun. United States Patent #4744272. Definite member of the "Wish I'd thought of that!" list.
• A Columbia River Knife and Tool brand "Mirage Grey Ghost" automatic thumblock knife (unless I'm wearing a tie).
• No Tea.
• Tea. (I'm going to marry the woman that gets this reference.)

Right Rear Pocket:

• Leather combination wallet and checkbook cover. Contains:
  • Generally much less money than I would like.
  • Note paper, white with blue lines.
  • Two plastic wallet cardholders containing:
    • Business cards from various places of business that I frequent.
    • Random phone numbers on notepad paper.
    • Various scraps of paper with phone numbers on them.
    • "Tipping at a glance" chart from my insurance company. All the waitresses are mightily impressed at my amazing ability to tip at 15 or even 20 percent!
    • Laminated emergency phone numbers card from work. Got to admire bosses who give you their home phone numbers.
    • A pink card stating that I am both a "genuine and authorized Pope" and "a human being and not a cabbage or something." Those wacky Discordians.
  • Business cards. My business cards. With my name on them and everything!
  • Personal cards. Show home phone, work phone, pager, e-mail, URL, home address, and even 9 different nifty quotes from all over. Collect the whole set!
  • Keycards, two.
  • Nifty little plastic fresnel lens magnifying glass.
  • Telescoping pointer with magnetic tip.
  • Various forms of ID, including virtually useless plastic, and library cards. Drivers license with surprisingly decent photo.

Left Rear Pocket:

• A nifty spring-loaded sterling silver business card case with pen and notepad, given to me by my brother as a groomsman's gift.

Shirt Pocket:

• Two Cross gold filled writing implements, with my name engraved on them. The first is part of a pen and pencil set given to me by my grandfather as a graduation present. (I finally got brave enough to dump the cheap Bics in favor of real writing implements.) The second is a red ballpoint pen, with the identifying marker custom painted with metallic red paint. It was a Christmas gift from my folks.
• A green plastic box of Listerine PocketPaks Oral Care Strips.
• My Rice University class ring, approximately half the time.