In particular, I had just posted a lengthy diatribe to the forum in early December. It was on the old favorite "Here Comes Santa Claus." The song's final verse contains the phrase "Thank the Lord above that Santa Claus comes tonight," thus blatantly rubbing our nose in the fact that Santa Claus has neatly replaced the birth of Jesus in the minds of modern Americans.
The results were too bizarre not to be archived somewhere, if for no other reason than to provide reference materials should they pull me out of a clock tower someday. Note the progression from speculation to statement of fact. My guess is that this is how most conspiracy theory starts. The following is posted as written, without editting for content (mostly because not even I am vain enough to do re-writes on message forum logs). This all took place in early December of 2001.
Jaimie (who uses caps sparingly, for artistic reasons) responded:
Here Comes Santa Claus is a wholesome song where Santa Claus comes and he comes right
down "Santa Claus Lane" and i mean, what the hell is THAT all about? where IS that?
but that's not the point. and the whole thing about 'thank God Santa's coming' is
also, far from the point. because my dear friends, there is a line in that song that
says, "say your prayers 'cause Santa Claus comes tonight."
now first, you might think, that's teaching kids to pray to Santa! EVIL!
think about it, in every b-movie you've ever seen, when a character says, "say your
prayers" what does it mean?
MY GOD! SANTA IS GOING TO KILL THE CHILDREN!
i mean not only does the old, jolly bastard know who's naughty or nice, but he's packin'
heat. and Rudolf ain't no reindeer, it's his personal German sniper with an assortment
of rifles, silencers, and other assassinatory hobnob.
sheesh. christmas songs give me the creeps.
no it doesn't.
it's worse.
Nathan replied:
Oh... Oh no... Oh my gawd! How could we all have missed this? We've been so blind! It's a giant yuletide conspiracy! Project Santa Clause Lane has been in the works for centuries, I'll bet. I mean, they've already developed genetically engineered flying reindeer (no doubt also ruthless killing machines). And immortality serums, to keep Herr Claus alive until his evil plans can come to fruition. (That also explains the milk and cookies, since his unnaturally advanced age would require continual infusions of calcium to prevent accelarated osteoporosis. And, hey, who doesn't like cookies?) And they obviously have shrinking machines and antigravity technology, with nose-implanted controls! Remember the end of that poem "'Twas the Night Before Christmas?" A 300 pound man flies up a chimney, a CHIMNEY for Pete's sake, by placing his finger aside his nose! Perfect for infiltrating houses via their heating systems, which are almost always woefully ungaurded. Santa and his operatives have been running training ops for decades now, under the guise of "delivering toys!" "Toys," my Aunt Tilly.
But, it's even worse! He's going to replace them with prepubescent genetically engineered duplicates, all securely programmed to be in his thrall. Think about it! He's probably got billions of child clones, all frozen in suspended animation under the arctic ice (brilliant, that- no huge freezing facilities to spot by satellite thermal imaging), all ready to do his nefarious bidding. And the elves? They're obviously failed attempts! The Elves are the factory rejects, forced into slave labor, like that freaky dwarf guy on the Island of Dr. Moreau. And the sick bastard makes them all dress up in green outfits with little bells on the toes, just for his amusement! Cloning is a tricky business- especially when done from skin cells scraped from the inside of the subjects socks, hung by the chimney with care. Foot skin cells are too differentiated for adequate genetic manipulation, and heating the samples beforehand is always unwise. He should have requested "samples of stomach epithial lining, placed in the freezer with care." Of course, for making a homonculus, the preferred method of human duplication back in the 18th and 19th centuries, or for the failed Golem project, the treatment was ideal. But both methods are much more work intensive and failure prone than advanced cloning techniques. I'll bet the entire R&D department was fed to the reindeer for missing that trick.
Christmas carol writers (who are, of course, all enslaved in the North Pole HQ-Propaganda Division) have been slipping secret messages in their music all this time! And we all just blithely hummed along like good little sheep, and never even thought about it! I feel like such a fool. You realize, now, that you've made us all targets, don't you? Santa's information network is both omniscient and ruthless. Who defines "naughty" or "nice?" I ask you, WHO? WHO WATCHES THE WATCHMEN? I'd expect a visit from Rudolph and his twisted elven commando division any time now.
Jaimie:
dude, whoa.
so is santa part of the illuminati or just a freemason? i mean, it's obvious he's on the
olympic committee...
Nathan:
Illuminated? Oh, most assuredly. But a Freemason? No. I mean, you gotta' know somebody, right? I heard he was an Adept of Hermes, though, until they upped their membership dues to TWO philosopher's stones. Then there was that brief stint with the Knights Templar, but he got booted over religious differences regarding the validity of his own sainthood. They had this crazy notion that you had to be dead to be a saint. But, ol' Nick figured being an unholy, undead creature of the night, kept alive only by dark magics and modern chemistry, was close enough. Now, I think he's just a member of the AARP. Brrrr!
And don't even get me STARTED on the Easter Bunny. {twitch, twitch} Or the Arbor Day Gnome! Remember him? No? NO? Well, see what they do? SEE?
Fnord.