But, recently, I found myself sorely tempted to rain terrible vengeance down upon some unsuspecting, but richly deserving, soul. The target of my wrath is the Generic Cog that inhabits the cubicle next to me. Him, and his thrice-darned cellular phone. So, if I should disappear for a few years, it will most likely be because I finally had enough, and got sent up the river for Aggravated Assault with a piece of personal technology. I'm not terribly worried about it, though. No jury in the land would convict me. Not even in Texas.
I see the case going as follows. I would defend myself. Yeah, yeah. "...Fool for a client," and all that. But, Johnny Cochrane is busy for the next couple of years. As I understand it, the case has something to do with a washed-up TV star, a fax machine, and a cold-calling office supplies salesman. It should be all over the news in a couple of months.
"See, Your Honor, the guy has a cellphone," I would say in a not un-Matlock-esque manner. "Granted, that wasn't enough reason in and of itself to give him the beating he so richly deserved. I have one, too. And while it could be argued that I, too, deserve a pounding, that's not the point. The point is that he has one of those fancy-schmancy ones with the variable ring tones. And he always leaves it unattended at his desk when he wanders off to talk to someone. Which is about once every 3.2 minutes.
"So what does this mean? This means I get treated to the tweedle-beep serenade about 23 times a day. There Generic Cog #323 sits, right next to a phone with 10 lines, operated by a nice (and more importantly, soft spoken) receptionist who politely announces his calls for him. And he still has people calling him on his obnoxious little twitter box. Last week, it was playing 'Oops, I Did It Again!' by Miss Britney Spheres. Before that, I think it was tootling 'Mmm-Bop,' by Hanson. I'm not 100% sure that's what it was, because repressed memories are inherently unreliable, and I had a severe Hanson-related trauma when I was younger. I don't like to talk about it.
"But, I digress. Frequently.
"Anyway, I finally had enough of Mr. Cog and his cellphone a few days ago. Not only is Mr. Cog amazingly obnoxious, he's also indecisive! This time, he needed help deciding which ring tone to use for his new Obnoxia 5150. ('Now 250% louder!') For this task, he brought in consultants: Interchangeable Sprocket #229 and Replaceable Gear #842. So, for about 20 minutes, I was forced to listen to the negotiations over the finalists. Following is a transcript, to the best of my fevered recollection. I enter it into evidence as Exhibit A."
Exhibit A - Excerpt from Transcript of Ring Tones Negotiation
Present Are:
Generic Cog #323
Interchangeable Sprocket #229
Replaceable Gear #842
Nathan Walton, the Defendant
Obnoxia 5150 Cellphone
Generic Cog #323: How about this one?
Obnoxia 5150 Cellphone: ["1812 Overture"]
Interchangeable Sprocket #543: Erm, no. What else ya' got?
Obnoxia: [Dot-dot-dot, dash-dash-dash, dot-dot-dot]
Replaceable Gear #229: Ha, ha! That's great! It's like, "This phone call is an emergency," or something!
Cog: Yeah! Since most of these calls are from my wife and kids, it's never really important. So it's "ironic!"
[Mr. Cog subscribes to Dictionary.com's Word of the Day mailing list, which he forwards to everyone in the office. Every. Single. Day.]
Sprocket: Erm. Maybe. But sometimes your broker calls, too. You don't want SOS on that one. It might really be important. Oh, did I tell you about those Bolivian Junk Bonds I just--
[Mr. Cog presses buttons on the phone, which plays yet another ring tune.]
Obnoxia: [Bip, beep... Strauss's "Also Sprach Zarathustra"]
Gear: Hey, cool! It's the 2001 Theme!
Cog: No, it's not.
Gear: Yes, it is! I've SEEN the movie.
Cog: No. It's. Not. It's... Er... "Zorro-thoostra!" Says so right here on the screen.
Sprocket: Um, I think those are the same thing.
Cog: Whatever.
Obnoxia: [Beeep, boop... "Pennsylvania 6-5000"]
Cog: No, wait, wrong one.
Obnoxia: [1. Meep-meep... "Blue Danube"]
Gear: Hey! That was on Two Thousand and--
Obnoxia: [Squirk, kwark... Sonar Pings]
Sprocket: Now you have a whole "Run Silent, Run Deep" thing going there! Can you put the pings and the SOS together?
Cog: [In intense puzzlement] I dunno. Let's see.
Obnoxia: [Reep, broop, bloop... SOS]
Cog: No, wait.
Obnoxia: [2. Wakka, wakka, wakka... The Beatle's "Help"]
Cog: Gaargh! Wait a minute!
Obnoxia: [Dot-dot-dot-dash... "Thus Spake Zarathustra"]
Gear: Hey! Must be trouble on the space ship! You know, like on 2001!
Cog: Would you get off the movie already? Hrmph. I don't think you can do that, Sprocket.
Sprocket: Now, see, if they had Bluetooth, you could do that with your computer. Say, did I tell you about that new Internet startup I just--
Obnoxia: [3. Squirtle, squirtle, pika, pika... the Beatle's "Yesterday"]
Gear: Nah, that's sad. You don't want to hear that all day. You'll bum everyone out! Play something happy!
Obnoxia: [Bip, bip... "Happy Birthday"]
Cog: Happy enough for you, space boy?
Gear: [Sighs noisily]
Cog: How 'bout this one?
Obnoxia: [4. Grind, wheeze, grind, wheeze... "Alleycat"]
Sprocket: Nah, that's just cheesy.
Obnoxia: [5. Bing! ...Theme from "Star Trek," cut off rapidly.]
Gear: Hey! That's--
Obnoxia: [6. Nyak-nyak-nyak-nyak... "Suicide Is Painless"]
Sprocket: Wait, I know! Can you put that with "Happy Birthday," because, you know, you always want to kill yourself on your birthday?
Gear: Man, you're depressing.
Cog: Huh? Says here it's "MASH."
Nathan Walton: [Through clenched teeth.] Hey! I know, how about you SET IT TO VIBRATE!!!
[Shocked silence]
Cog: But... But, then I might not notice it! It might be important!
Walton: [Sotto voce, while putting on headphones.] Tell ya' what, Cog. You put it on vibrate, or I'll stick it where you'll always notice it!
[The specifics of the remaining conversation are lost to the bootleg MP3 sounds of Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb," and Mr. Walton's continued indecipherable grumbling.]
[Approximately 5 minutes pass. WinAmp skips on to the theme from "Flash Gordon," by Queen. Finally, as the "Just a man..." bridge plays, Mr. Walton calms down a bit.]
Obnoxia: [7. Biddi-biddi-biddi... Suzanne Vega's "Tom's Diner"]
Walton: THAT'S IT!!!
[Sounds of Mr. Walton leaping over a cubicle wall, and extended scuffling. Cheers from other office workers can be heard in the background.]
Cog: YeeeeeAAAARGGHHH!!! Yipe!
[Silence. Blessed silence.]
"So, you see, ladies and gentlemen of the jury," I would say. "I had no choice but to take action! And, putting aside the occasional... Discomfort... When he has to charge the thing, you have to admit he'll NEVER miss another call! I rest my case."
Do some of the noises the Obnoxia 5150 Cellphone made sound familiar? Well, they should! For extra fun*, go back and try to guess the origins of each of the seven numbered cellphone noises. Click here for the answers.
* "Fun" may not, in fact, be fun. Your mileage may vary.